The countdown began

I never expected that she'd like me. I was so nervous when we met, we hugged, our glasses got tangled and she laughed. I felt at ease with her before we even sat down. She ate a cinnamon swirl and picked all the sultanas out of it. The way her green grey eyes twinkled are etched into my memory. She was smart, funny and so beautiful. It was a devastating combination. I was captivated.

I never expected that she'd love me. She took me by surprise one evening, as we lay naked together in the glow of the tv. Her skin was so soft and warm against mine. The best kind of comfort. I never asked her but I feel she'd skirted around it before, often telling me I was lovely. Or in rough patches that she loved us. She was braver than me. She told me. I told her the same back without hesitation, simply because it was true. She was everything I never expected.

I never expected that she'd choose me. She needed to get back with her ex for a very valid reason that I had no business denying. So I didn't. I missed her terribly. The way she held me so tight like she never wanted to let go. But she did. And I prepared to move on with my life, hurting, empty but knowing I had to do this for her. But she couldn't do it. Over time she came back to me.

I never expected that she would hold on for so long. Eleven years passed. She grew distant. Things that were important to me started to disappear. No good morning. No lazy chat between us during the day. I started to quietly despair. I've seen this happen enough times to know where it goes. Things were said that can't be unsaid. Feelings were hurt, resentment grew. Every time it ended it became less, but still she came back. I couldn't let her go. I couldn't picture a future without her. She was so intertwined in my life, my world.

I never expected that I could be so blind to my own actions. Over several years I destroyed that world. I struggled with life. With work. With health. With everything because I was always feeling so overwhelmed at how she didn't seem to want me anymore. At how all the good things had been taken away and we were a shell. I felt that she never could tell me how she felt. I promised her I'd do better. I didnt. She spent three days not really wanting to talk to me. I demanded she pick a side. Be with me or be without me. Her patience had run thin and she was staying for the wrong reasons. Guilt not love. She chose her side. She told me she didn't need me anymore. I really don't blame her. The bottom dropped out of my world and something broke in me and I finally saw what I'd done to her. It wasn't fair. I wasn't fair.

She told me we would talk face to face on Friday. The countdown began. I messaged her in the small hours of the morning and promised that I'd finally let her be free.